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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23487604">Things We Lost in the Fire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirani/pseuds/kirani'>kirani</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Check Please! (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Death, Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Depression, Gen, Guardian Angels, Hallucinations, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, Wakes &amp; Funerals, Wingman Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:55:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,066</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23487604</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirani/pseuds/kirani</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam and Justin have only been dating for a few months when they have their first fight. It’s over exactly what Justin expects it to be over: telling their crew they’re dating. Adam wants to tell people, Justin doesn’t. And then there’s a fire. And the last word Adam says is Justin’s name.<br/>~<br/>A story of Justin Oluransi trying to live his life after the death of his best friend and probably the love of his whole damn life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Eric "Bitty" Bittle &amp; Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Justin "Ransom" Oluransi &amp; Denice "Foxtrot" Ford</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Going Out With A Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>WARNING: This fic takes place in the Wingman universe and deals with suicidal thoughts and depression. If you're not familiar with Wingman, it's a AU comic Ngozi wrote about Ransom and Holster as firefighters and Holster dies in a fire. A few lines in the first three chapters are lifted directly from the comic, which you can also read <a href="https://willdexpoindexter.tumblr.com/private/190356447316/tumblr_n3jauydbP81r1a44j">here</a>. That said, I wrote this before the world... imploded. So I understand if people aren't up for heavy angst right now. I cried while writing and editing and that was before this whole pandemic thing. I'm not offended if you need to come back to this later. Promise. </p><p>This was written for the Going Out With A Big Bang event, and <a href="https://missweber.tumblr.com/post/615204714632691712/art-for-things-we-lost-in-the-fire">has amazing art by missweber</a>! And a special thank you to missweber for also beta reading this! It's a lot and I had some trouble finding someone willing to dive into this dark subject matter. You're the best!!</p><p>Disclaimer: I'm not a firefighter and I tried to keep it as accurate as possible but if you are, please suspend your disbelief.</p><p>Title is, of course, from the Bastille song of the same name.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Adam and Justin had only been dating for a few months when they had their first fight. It was over exactly what Justin expected it to be over: telling their crew they’re dating. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had totally agreed at the beginning! Crewmates weren’t supposed to date each other, but they had denied their feelings long enough, screw the rules, they just wouldn’t tell anyone. Easy enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only it wasn’t turning out to be so easy. As they drove to the fire station in icy silence, Justin replayed the fight over and over in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not saying we tell everyone,” Adam had insisted, “just a few close friends. Or maybe someone outside the station even. I just… I’m so happy with you, Justin. I want to be able to share that with someone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Neither of us has any friends outside the station,” Justin retorted petulantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not fair, we do, even if we’re not as close to them.” Adam had protested.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin ignored him. “And you know if we tell anyone it will be common knowledge before we know it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam crossed his arms. “Do you not trust our friends?” Justin felt the bigger question behind it: ‘Do you not trust us?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not with this. Not yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not ever, you mean?” Adam scoffed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin had just glared at him. Sure, he could be stubborn but there was a reason behind his anxiety on this! He needed more time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam parked the car in front of the station but didn’t move to get out. He stared out the windshield for a long moment and Justin said nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just want us to be happy, Jay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do, too,” Justin said into his lap. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you happy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Justin looked up at his boyfriend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you happy with me?” Adam’s face was crinkled up in worry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin let himself smile, hoping Adam could see the truth in it. “I’m so happy with you, Adam.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam’s face broke out in a matching grin and he reached a hand across the center console to squeeze Justin’s knee. “Let’s go in. We can talk more later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Justin agreed, squeezing Adam’s hand quickly. He unbuckled his seatbelt and went into the firehouse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shift was normal for a while. He and Adam worked out together, ate together, caught up with the crew together. They weren’t in the habit of a lot of affection at the station, friendly or romantic, just to keep up the secret. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eric still noticed, he was perceptive like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Justin, can I talk to you?” he said, pulling him out of the lounge area. Adam shot him a worried look but Justin smiled and shook his head. Eric would always worry about his friends and Justin was one of his best friends. Justin let Eric lead him into a quieter area. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” Eric asked. “You and Adam have a fight or something? You’re acting weird and keep looking at him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin swallowed hard. “It’s nothing, Eric. We’re fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, honey. But you just let me know if you change your mind, okay?” Eric patted his arm with a sad smile. He didn’t know, none of them knew, but something told Justin that Eric had an idea of something. Even if he just thought it was about Justin’s long-standing crush on Adam. That wasn’t really much of a secret, though. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve and when his feelings for his favorite bro in the world had gotten decidedly less platonic a couple of years ago, Eric had been the first to notice. Justin hadn’t bothered with telling him he was wrong, though he hadn’t actually confirmed it either. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An issue for another day, he supposed. Justin pulled Eric in for a hug and they started for the door together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before they could return to the lounge, though, the alarm bell started ringing and he and Eric jumped into action. They ran to the uniform station and pulled on the heavy pants and jacket with their equipment and helmets before darting to their trucks. Justin and Adam slammed the doors of their truck at the same time and Eric shouted that he and Will were ready from the back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sirens on, truck into gear, go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As they drove, Larissa relayed details from the dispatch booth. An apartment building, five stories. Alarms had gone off and they thought most people were evacuated but they’d have to do a full sweep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Like always, Justin and Adam worked as a unit at the fire. They cleared each floor, carrying an older woman down a ladder and handing a cat out to Eric from a third floor window. They were on the fourth floor when Justin started to get a bad feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Jay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tested the floor under his boot and looked around frantically through his mask, trying to identify the source.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a creaking sound that sounded bad, bad, bad…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“JAY!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin looked up at Adam finally, ready to tell him they had to go, but Adam cut him off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bro. Are you even awake? I asked if you cleared the fifth floor yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Justin answered. “It’s clear, but I just got the weirdest feeling. We gotta get outta here ASA —,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A loud crash cut him off as part of the building caved in behind them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on!” Justin shouted over the roar of the flames. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But we got a ladder upstairs!” Adam protested, pulling at Justin’s elbow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin shook his head. “Floor’s unstable. This way’s safer, trust — Shit.” The floor beneath his boot cracked and he quickly adjusted his weight to more stable boards, but behind him, Adam cried out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck! Jay—!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin turned just in time to see Adam disappear into a gaping hole in the floor, flames licking up and flaring white hot where his boyfriend had stood only a second before. He rushed down a ladder to the floor below, only to find the entire floor gone. He continued making his way down the ladder until he found solid ground, searching for Adam’s form in the flames of the second floor. He spotted him, dark and unmoving on the floor and immediately tore into the flames to drag Adam out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His body was completely limp and Justin swore as he hoisted him to his shoulder and down the ladder to the ground. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There they are!” Eric shouted and the rest of the crew descended on him as Justin heard the rest of the building collapse in on itself behind him. Someone took Adam’s weight from his shoulder and he tried to follow but Eric held onto his arm and helped him out of his mask and heavier gear, before handing him a ventilator. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There you go, honey, just breathe, you’re gonna be okay,” Eric soothed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Adam?” Justin gasped out, suddenly aware of just how close he’d gotten to the flames himself, his whole body shaking and sweating and his lungs struggling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You just worry about yourself right now, sweetheart. They’ve got Adam, they’re doing everything they can.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That didn’t make Justin feel any better and he tried desperately to suck air into his lungs. He forced himself to sit and not make a scene but now that he was listening for it he could hear the crew rushing around and shouting instructions as they tore off Adam’s uniform. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears began to leak from his eyes and Eric placed a hand on his cheek. “You’re alright, just keep breathing for me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin focused on the feeling of Eric’s hand on his skin and tried to follow Eric’s counting. In for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Pause for four. Adam was going to be okay. He had to be okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin couldn’t do this without him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both looked up as Will approached, his cheeks pink and his eyes wet. He shook his head as the tears finally escaped his pale eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A wail sounded from somewhere as Justin collapsed to the ground. He pushed off the hands that tried to console him even as he realized the wailing was coming from him. He rubbed at his eyes, his face wet as he gasped for air. Eric tried to put the oxygen mask back on him but he batted it away. He couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t oxygen he needed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, he couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe </span>
  </em>
  <span>without Adam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even as he wheezed, knowing he was hyperventilating, he fought them away. He started to feel lightheaded as he sobbed and Will and Eric renewed their efforts to manhandle him into the mask again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What did it matter? Who cared if he could breathe if Adam was gone?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As his vision went black and he lost consciousness, he hoped he’d see Adam again soon.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Justin awoke in the back of the ambulance because of course he hadn’t been dying, just hyperventilating. The medically trained part of his brain scolded him for having pushed off his crewmates and letting himself pass out from lack of oxygen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up at Eric, holding his hand as he held a mask over his face again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now don’t you try to fight me off again, Mr. Oluransi, or I’ll go get Jack and he’ll strap you to this stretcher faster than you can say ‘ventilator’.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin didn’t resist. He wanted to ask Eric to confirm what he already knew but he didn’t have the words. He already knew, anyways. What was the point in upsetting Eric again, too?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the paramedics came over and checked him out, speaking softly with Eric even through the strain in her brow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t your fault, either, Caitlin,” Eric said softly. “Just like I told him. We did everything we could. That’s all any of us can do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin didn’t remember Eric saying anything to that effect but he didn’t really remember anything clearly since the moment Adam broke through that floor. He felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes again and Eric turned to him, wiping at his eyes and shushing him softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re alright, I’ve got you. Just keep breathing for me, Jay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin nodded and let his eyes slip closed as he breathed through the mask. Before he knew it, he was asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eric woke him some time later — was it minutes? Hours? He had no idea — to get him home. His crewmate made him a simple lunch, moving around the kitchen Justin had shared with Adam with efficiency and none of his usual humming or dancing as he worked. Justin clutched a mug of tea and watched him work, unseeing. He ate the food Eric had made, though he couldn’t have told you what he was eating. Then Eric tried to put him to bed and suddenly Justin was on edge again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I can’t.” He pulled his forearm from Eric’s grasp. There was no way he could go back into the bed that the two of them had risen from only that morning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong, honey?” Eric asked, reaching for him but not taking hold of him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The bed. I can’t,” Justin tried to explain. Eric didn’t seem to understand but he led him gently to the couch instead and wrapped a blanket around Justin’s shoulders as he slipped into a bone-tired sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next few days were hell. He’d been granted leave at work after he tried to show up for his next shift and had been marched out of the station by the chief on strict orders to take at least a week to himself. The crew knew the two of them were — had been — best friends and it was clear he was taking it harder than most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of Adam’s sisters, Gabi, had called him that first afternoon to ask for a good recent photo of Adam for the obituary and Justin had cried the minute he had hung up with her. He spent the rest of the afternoon sorting through photos and organizing them all for Adam’s family and for himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The funeral was Friday morning, less than two days after Adam had died, per tradition. Justin had fervently read everything he could about Jewish funerals in efforts to be prepared, but when he arrived at the temple, he burst into tears again and missed most of the service. The crew made sure someone was on either side of him at all times and walked him through all the right things throughout. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the cemetery, Gabi pulled him to the front row with them and led him through the line to toss their handfuls of dirt into the grave. His eyes felt like they would never be dry again and the casket swam in his vision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” he whispered as he tossed in the dirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d considered what he wanted to say at this moment and this was the only thing that felt true enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was angry, sure. He was angry at himself for being distracted in that fire. Angry at Adam for not moving immediately when Justin had told him to. Angry at the universe for letting him get so close to happiness only to have it snatched away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he was devastated. Adam’s life had only just begun and his life with Justin even more so. They’d had so much in front of them still that he would never see. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But more than all that, he loved Adam. They hadn’t said it out loud yet, but it was true. It was why it hurt so much to lose him before he could say those three little words that felt even bigger for not being said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d also considered telling someone about them. It had, after all, been Justin who hadn’t wanted the crew to know. He thought Eric might already have an idea, the guy had a sense for these things. But it wasn’t just his to tell. And Adam couldn’t agree to who he told any longer. So Justin decided to keep it to himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The family gathered at Adam’s parent’s house afterward and drank to Adam’s memory, sharing stories and eating most of the evening. The mood was that strange mix of sad and celebratory that only a funeral can be: love for the one lost even as you mourn them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gabi sat beside him after a while. “He loved you, too, you know. I hope he told you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin looked at her, studying her face. Had Adam told her about them?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard you at the burial. I know you were best friends, I just really hope you two didn’t do that toxic masculinity bullshit of not telling your friends you love them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t. I knew.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lapsed into silence beside him and Justin found himself glad for the company. It was true. He and Adam had exchanged a hundred ‘I love you’s before they’d started dating. But once they were together, Justin had suddenly felt it was too much. They had to find their footing in this new relationship before he dropped those words back between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still hoped, though. He knew he had loved Adam romantically for a long time and he thought the feeling was — had been — mutual. If only he’d been able to say it to him while he’d been alive. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>consistent chapter length? don't know her.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. One Month Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Justin keyed into their — his — apartment and dropped his keys on the table next to the photo of him and Adam with the first cat they’d saved from a fire. Adam had his hand on Justin’s shoulder and a blinding grin on his face as Justin held the cat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He collapsed on the couch with a groan. He’d been back at work for three weeks and he was completely miserable. He felt totally disconnected from his crew and couldn’t get into the groove of having Eric as his second on the truck, no matter how hard the guy was trying. Their rookie, Connor, seemed to get along with Dex well on the back, both the strong and silent type. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No longer did he go out for drinks with the crew after shifts, though. Or really talk to them at all. Eric had tried to get him to open up but Justin just wasn’t ready. He did his work, he went home to his empty apartment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For three weeks, it had just been that: get in, get out, get home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he should move.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He drifted to sleep on the couch, knowing he’d regret it later, but not finding the energy to move to the bed he couldn’t always bring himself to sleep in at night. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As always, he dreamt of Adam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... Jay. Jay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wait, that wasn’t a dream...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Jay?” The voice came again. “Jeez. Jay!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin opened his eyes and saw Adam’s face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Sup.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin screamed and whacked the intruder with a pillow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bro! Chill ouf—,” shouted Definitely-Not-Adam. He pushed the pillow away and Justin stared at the man sitting on his couch. He had white, feathered wings seemingly growing from his shoulders and a faint glow around him. “I’m here to help! Jeez. This is exactly how you ruined your last surprise party.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin clutched the pillow to his chest and regarded the man. He seemed to take it as permission to continue talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. So. I’m gonna be your guardian angel for a while until you work through your depression.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re an… angel?” Justin said at last, since the angel that was Definitely Not His Dead Boyfriend was looking for some kind of input. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, apparently the fireman stuff I did canceled out the crappy stuff? It’s pretty chill.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin regarded him. They’d both done their share of stupid shit in college, true, but he guessed being a firefighter did cancel out a lot of stuff. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anywho. Wanna get a case of beer and play Mario Kart?” He settled back into the couch in a plume of feathers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... Are you molting?” Justin asked, choosing to ignore for the moment the bigger questions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not-Adam laughed and shook his wings. “So, yes or no on beers?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin blinked at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a no, I think,” Not-Adam said. “You wanna talk about stuff?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin glared at him. “Explain this to me again. You died. I got depressed, understandably, I might add. You somehow came back as a guardian angel despite being Jewish, which I don’t think has a concept of guardian angels.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean not really but kinda? I think it’s the thought that counts —.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And now I’m just supposed to talk to you like you’re my fucking grief counselor?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you’re not talking to your actual grief counselor,” Not-Adam mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you,” Justin spat, standing from the couch. He started to stalk off before remembering that this was his house and he wasn’t going to be driven from it by some… hallucination. “You don’t get to show up here and mess with me! I don’t know who you think you are but showing up looking like </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span> is just cruel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. I just want to help you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Justin asked. Shouted really. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I love you and I hate seeing you suffer like this,” Not-Adam said, his eyes soft.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin scoffed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s true. Please let me help you, Jay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If it’s true, why didn’t you tell me?” Justin asked, his eyes filling with tears again. He hated that he cried so easily these days. He scrubbed angrily at his face as Not-Adam stood and crossed the room to stand in front of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was worried it was too soon,” Adam said softly. “I didn’t want to scare you. We’ve only been dating a few months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I’ve been in love with you for years,” Justin countered, looking up into Adam’s eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have, too, Justin,” Adam said with a sad smile. “I wish I’d told you. I wish we’d had more time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin lost all control at that and collapsed into the chest of the angel who was supposedly his dead boyfriend. Even if he was probably still just a hallucination, it was a nice hallucination. It gave good hugs and said all the things he’d wanted to hear. He let the angel hold him for a long moment until the tears stopped. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, fine, let’s get beer and play Mario Kart. What the hell.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes!” Adam shouted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first big fire on Justin’s shift after Adam died, he shook the whole ride there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eric had driven the truck and the departure had gone smoothly, but now he was in an apartment building on fire again and he couldn’t think straight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, man. Did you already clear the last room?” Adam was at his shoulder again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Crap. I guess I’m really out of it,” Justin mumbled to himself, turning back to the last room and tightening the grip on his ax. It wouldn’t be good if someone saw him talking to himself right now. He had assured the chief he was ready to be back on fires.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well there’s an old lady up there,” Adam continued. “And she’s got a bajillion cats.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve got it,” Justin mumbled to himself. When he turned next, Adam was gone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck, he really had to get ahold of himself. He couldn’t keep getting distracted like this. What good was it that he was still here if he was just going to make stupid mistakes and risk lives? Maybe he should find a new career. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once they were cleared and the fire was out, with no casualties thanks to Adam, — and really, how had he known? Maybe Justin hadn’t been as out of it as he thought and his subconscious had noticed the missed floor — Justin took a long, hot shower and thought about it all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought about how he dreaded going to work every day, not wanting to relive the memories. How he was distracted and the only part of him that seemed to be paying attention was the part of his subconscious currently hallucinating his dead boyfriend. How he didn’t even want to be a firefighter anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was miserable. He had wanted to be a firefighter since he was a kid and now he was miserable. All because of a stupid fight and a stupid accident and now he would hate this firehouse and this job forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Probably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thing was, he loved his job. He hated that it reminded him of Adam but it had only been a month and a half and, really, everything reminded him of Adam. It would be no different somewhere else. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he could separate the two, after a while. He just had to try harder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or maybe he could dedicate himself to Adam. All the fires Adam couldn’t attend, Justin would. All the cats Adam couldn’t save, Justin would. All the little kids who wanted to sit in a fire truck with a real firefighter that Adam couldn’t be anymore, Justin would be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounded like a good compromise. He would do better. He would do better for Adam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chief had asked him to clean out Adam’s cubby and he had said yes, of course. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now that he was there, he didn’t know how the hell he was supposed to do this! He ran his fingers along his nameplate. ‘A. Birkholtz’ stared back at him in gold embossed letters. Slowly, he assembled the box and started to pull things out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A pair of headphones. A photo of his family. Adam’s ticket to the concert they went to for their first date. A photo of them together. A post-it note in Justin’s handwriting that he didn’t even remember leaving him. It read “You’re the best bro” with a little heart drawn after it. How long ago was this even from?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin put it all in the box and leaned back into the cubby for a moment, trying to slow his heartbeat. He clutched to the side of the cubby walls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t even surprised that the was hallucinating again. Adam seemed to be off to his left somewhere. Justin didn’t look up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he took another deep breath. “Just give me a minute.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, thanks for clearing out my locker,” Adam blundered on. “Just make sure Zimmermann doesn’t get it, will ya? Guy’s a jerk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin barked a short laugh. Even dead and haunting him, Adam didn’t know when the hell to shut up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’d you keep all this stuff anyway?” He held up a birthday card Justin had given him a couple of years ago that he’d just unearthed in the bottom of the cubby, finally looking over at Adam where he was sitting in Knight’s cubby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam shrugged and a feather fell from his wings. “You gave it to me. That’s reason enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin just stared at him for a long moment before he sighed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How the hell am I ever supposed to live without you, bro?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You will. You’re stronger than you think, Jay. I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I love that strength in you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” Justin choked out, still mad he was having this conversation with this fake version of the person he really wanted to tell.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’ll love again,” Adam said gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope, not having this conversation,” Justin stood straight abruptly. He tore the rest of the accumulation from the cubby and tossed it into the box without looking at it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay! Wait!” Adam called from behind him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t get to tell me to move on, Birkholtz,” Justin grumbled under his breath as he walked down the hall and out to his car. “You don’t get to tell me to love again. That’s not how this works!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alone in the parking lot, he turned and glared at the angel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then how does it work? How can I help you? What can I do, Justin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin just glared, shifting the box higher up on his chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay, please, let me help you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I haven’t even told anyone about us?” Justin spat out angrily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you do. You know everything. Everything except that there’s no moving on from you, Adam! I had one shot and I fucked it up!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t fu—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I couldn’t even handle a few friends knowing about us and we fought and we were distracted and you —!” The full force of his emotions burst from him as he began to sob, tears streaming down his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wasn’t your fault, Jay,” Adam said, looking pained. “Accidents happen.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t get it. You can’t. You’re not even him. I’ve lost it so bad I’m hallucinating because I’m so desperate to hear his stupid fucking voice again!” He wasn’t sure how much of that was understandable but Adam seemed to have gotten the gist of it, as tears had begun to trail down his cheeks as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not fair, Justin. I’m him. And I’m here. I care about you, I want you to be happy again. Maybe not today, but someday.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Leave me alone.” Justin threw the box into the trunk of his car and dropped into the driver’s seat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay,” Adam started, but Justin slammed the door in his face and started the car. He couldn’t do this anymore. Move on. Love again. It was bullshit. He had his chance at happiness and he lost it. There was nothing that angel could do to convince him otherwise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t mind if you tell people.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus fuck,” Justin swore, startling in his chair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, if you’ve changed your mind,” Adam continued, staring at his hands where he was sitting on the sofa.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve gotta start making some noise when you come in, dude. It’s creepy as fuck.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m an angel, I don’t really come in, I just appear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin leveled him a look. “Make some noise when you appear then. Adam was never this silent.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam’s face fell. “You still don’t believe I’m really him, do you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He scoffed. “You’re a hallucination best I can tell. My depressed, mourning brain has invented you to try to cope. It’s not working by the way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I do anything to convince you? This is kinda destroying me, Jay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin looked at him hard. He couldn’t ask for something only Adam would know; if he was a figment of Justin’s imagination he would know anything in Justin’s own mind. He had to ask something he didn’t know the answer to but could still tell if Adam was telling the truth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’d you wanna tell the crew?” Justin asked quietly. He didn’t really want to rehash the fight they’d had that morning but they were supposed to talk more, after, and they hadn’t been able to. He’d been wondering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam’s face softened. “I’m —” his voice cracked. “I’m so proud to be your boyfriend, Jay. I’m so proud to love you and get to call you mine. I wanted to share that with our friends. With our families. Is it so awful that I wanted to show you off a little?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s really it?” Justin swallowed hard. That wasn’t anything Adam hadn’t already said, really. It wasn’t very convincing it hadn’t come out of his own head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what else you want me to say. I know you have your anxieties about our friends knowing and the chief maybe finding out, and I respected that! I just was so happy and I wanted to share. You know I don’t do little gestures. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I know you still don’t want to tell people, even though we can’t get in trouble with Murray anymore. And that’s okay. I’m just saying, you could if you wanted to. I don’t mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded. He understood but this Adam just wasn’t his Adam. He couldn’t take that as permission. He couldn’t do that to him. “Okay. I’ll think about it,” he said aloud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam smiled softly at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Psst,” Adam nudged his shoulder. “It’s really hard to be your wingman if you chick to beer ratio is zero to four.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin groaned and rolled his eyes. The chirps were getting really bad the longer he let Adam keep him at this bar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you whis — No one can even hear you,” he hissed, staring into his fourth beer. “Why are we even here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He threw down some cash and left the bar, knowing Adam would follow. He’d been annoyingly present the last week. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“To cheer you up, bro, listen, it’s been like three months.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin glared at the sidewalk ahead of him, refusing to acknowledge that Adam was right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You stopped hanging out with the guys at the firehouse, when you are working you’re zoned out, and you haven’t talked to anyone since…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You died,” Justin said firmly. He hunched his shoulders against the cold as he felt Adam stop beside him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well if you wanna be crass about it,” he heard Adam mumble. “I guess I’m… worried.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin scoffed and kept walking. Adam didn’t get to worry about him anymore. He didn’t deserve Adam’s worry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, where ya going?” Adam called, not following him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deep down, he knew he was depressed. He knew he wasn’t totally to blame for how things had happened, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was partially his fault. That he had caused this and now he had to suffer it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jay!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Passing under a street lamp, Justin wondered why he wasn’t following but found he didn’t care. Maybe he’d finally lose this hallucination. He stepped into the street without looking, not caring if he got mowed down by a driver in the dark. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it would be easier. Maybe that was the answer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He walked through the city with no real goal, just tipsy enough to let himself wallow in self-pity as he walked. As he approached a bridge he didn’t recognize, he looked up. The sun was beginning to peek over the horizon and he was so very, very tired. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d been walking long enough and had drunk little enough that he didn’t feel the beers anymore, left again with only a deep sadness that never seemed to leave him these days. He began to cross the bridge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Halfway across, Justin stopped and leaned against the barrier. He could do it. He could vault over the fence and into the water below. Let himself be carried away. Maybe he would. Maybe it would be easier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was even the point? His best friend was gone. His one shot at happiness. Dead because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He climbed on top of the fence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a pretty far drop. And I’ve got wings.” Adam was beside him again, leaning against the fence from the inside and looking down into the water with Justin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin didn’t reply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, it could’ve been either one of us,” Adam said after a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why wasn’t it me?” Justin asked. He wished it had been. That his beautiful, kind, loving boyfriend had made it out and he had been the one to fall. Adam could survive this. He could live again. He was made of stronger stuff than Justin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin huffed a laugh, even though it wasn’t funny. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes,” Adam continued, “the hardest part is forgiving yourself for the stuff you can’t control.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin looked up, staring at the horizon as Adam’s words sank in. Forgive himself? Wasn’t it all his fault? How could he deserve forgiveness? But Adam had said more. ‘For the stuff you can’t control.’ Well, he supposed he couldn’t anymore. It was all out of his control.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked to the side but Adam wasn’t there anymore, a single white feather falling to the ground in his place. He snatched at it and stared in disbelief as he held the feather between his fingers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stared at it as he thought through it all, still sitting on the fence. He had already decided to work for Adam. To continue the work they both loved in honor of him. Adam deserved that. But he had said Justin also deserved forgiveness. That he had forgiven Justin long ago. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The wind around him felt like Adam’s final words to him echoing across the bridge. Even if the angel wasn’t Adam, even if this was all in his head, his Adam wouldn’t want him to do this. His Adam would want him to live. To love. To find happiness again, even if he wasn’t around to see it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin climbed back behind the barrier and onto the sidewalk.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning,” greeted a passing jogger.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin watched them go for a moment, then started back in the direction he had come from. Maybe it could be.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. One Year Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The weekly meeting was more or less uneventful until the chief mentioned a new crew member. They hadn’t really ever filled Adam’s spot on the crew, just rearranging shifts until everything was covered. But they could use the manpower, really. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded along until they mentioned where the new crew member would sit. Adam’s old cubby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had remained empty all year with no one new joining or needing to move, and so Justin had gotten used to having it there. He hadn’t seen the hallucination of Adam since the morning on the bridge but the empty stall had kept him company. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beside him, Eric laid a hand on his forearm and when Justin turned to look he could see the concern in his dark eyes. He tried to give a small smile but wasn’t sure how successful it was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the meeting was adjourned, Eric pulled him into the hall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” He asked softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s okay Eric. It’s been a year.” A year and a week but Eric didn’t need the details. He didn’t need to know Justin was still counting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eric blinked, seeming to be doing his own count in his head. “Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Eric.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had reluctantly actually spoken to his grief counselor after that morning, and he’d been talking to Eric more, too. He still hadn’t actually said anything about their relationship to him but Justin thought he might have an inkling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You just say the word and I’m there, alright hon?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. Thanks, Eric.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He got another sad smile in return and a pat on the arm before he left to find someone else. He still wasn’t hanging out with the crew all that much, but he saw them all occasionally, and he had a feeling Eric was seeking out Jack specifically. They’d been spending a lot of time together recently and Jack was starting to chill out some. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin went to grab his things and head home instead. He was happy for Eric but not enough to watch him flirt with a crew member like he couldn’t… like he never would again. He wasn’t sure what the state of Eric and Jack’s relationship. They might already be together, or at least heading that way, from some of the looks they shot each other these days. Eric wasn’t saying anything though, and he wasn’t about to ask. So home he went.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he made to leave, though, Murray called him over to where he stood with the nervous looking rookie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanted to introduce you before you headed home. Justin, this is Denice Ford. Denice, Justin Oluransi. He’s one of our driver teams with Eric Bittle, I’ll find him later, not sure if he’s still around.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded. “Just saw him go into the mess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, yeah, of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s pecan, chief,” Justin said with a wink. It was Murray’s favorite. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excellent. Denice, let’s go introduce you around the mess.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin gave a thumbs up to her as she left with him and she grinned in return. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denice was twenty-two. She looked it, too, so it was only natural Justin had a sort of parental reaction to her being placed on his crew, despite only being four years older than her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The chief had shuffled around some of the teams, promoting his substitute driver Will off his truck into a driver role of his own with a veteran driver to learn the ropes. Connor was promoted to substitute driver and Denice was added to his truck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were working out together on her second shift when she asked about Adam and he nearly dropped his weight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just heard you guys were close.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded dumbly as she helped him rerack the weights. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, he was my partner.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denice looked at him for a moment, then nodded decisively. Only then did Justin realize what he’d said wasn’t entirely clear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, I mean, like, on the truck. And stuff.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right. And now I’m in his cubby.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. You’re alright though,” he chirped, trying to lighten the mood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re alright yourself. I was kinda worried the crew would be…” she trailed off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hella white?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denice laughed. “Yeah basically. I’m glad you’re around though. And the others. It’s a good team.” She blushed darkly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay. We’ll stick together. I got your back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s like, a thing here, right?” Denice asked as she took her position to spot Justin on a bench press.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. We look out for our own.” He swallowed down any feelings he had on that subject, he had forgiven himself for what had happened to Adam and he tried not to slip back into the self-blame. It was still hard though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, shouldn’t have mentioned it,” Denice mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin reracked the weight and sat up. “Denice. It’s really okay. It’s been over a year. I’ve done the grief counseling and the angry drinking and the crying through cubby clean out. I’ve done it all and I’m still doing some of it but I’m moving on. You don’t have to be afraid to talk about him. It was the scariest shit to happen in this station and it shook us all. But I like to think we’re stronger for it. I know I’m trying to be. For him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wasn’t angling for a motivational speech Oluransi,” she chirped. “But I’m glad you’re getting help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re here,” he admitted, letting the chirp slide. “It’s good to get someone fresh around here. And really, come to me with anything. I got your back, kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rolled her eyes but nudged him back into the workout. He let her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even if he wasn’t quite at veteran level yet, the chief clearly thought he’d bee a good mentor to Denice. And he was trying to. He thought he was even succeeding. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until she found him crying on Adam’s birthday. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Justin?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” he swore under his breath, wiping his tears roughly with the back of his hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” She came into view around the supply rack he was currently hiding behind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t look fine. Did something happen? Can I help?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin shook his head. This wasn’t for her to worry about. It’s just that Adam’s first birthday after he died, well, Justin had still been a mess 95% of the time. Spending a day crying wasn’t out of the ordinary. He’d thought this year would be easier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s Adam’s birthday,” he finally choked out. “Would’ve been twenty-eight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Denice said quietly. “Why the hell are you at work, dude?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought it would be okay. I thought I had this handled by now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s only been a year and a few months,” Denice said, still barely speaking above a whisper. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I was better. I am better. I am handling this!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denice held her hands up in surrender. “I didn’t say you weren’t, Justin. I just want you to take time for yourself, too. You deserve that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin huffed a laugh. He didn’t take personal time much. He felt like he took far too much after Adam’s death and then he wasn’t even fully present when he came back to work. He needed to be here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’d you have in mind to celebrate him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh?” Justin looked up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s your partner’s birthday. You should celebrate. What’s his favorite food? Or movie maybe? You should do something just for him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t do any of that,” Justin said, shutting down. “It’s easier not to remember.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Justin. You have to know it’s not that easy.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t even know him,” Justin winced at himself. Not good, Jay. He tried again. “It’s just… you can’t know how hard he is to forget. If I let myself remember him, I break down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re breaking down anyways,” Denice pointed out gently. “Just try it. I can’t say I know what it’s like to lose a partner, but I’ve lost someone, too. It helps.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded slowly, not wanting to pry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He loved pizza. And like, 30 Rock. Parks &amp; Rec. That kind of show.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then I think we have a date with a pizza delivery service and Netflix,” Denice grinned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After they ordered — from Adam’s favorite restaurant — they settled into a couch in the lounge. “You know when I say ‘partner’ I mean here on the crew, right? Like how Eric is my partner now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denice looked over at him. She nodded, though her face was confused. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but, we’re not supposed to date within the crew.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her face cleared and she gave a small smile. “Ah, I see. Not dating then.” She winked at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin groaned but turned back to the screen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t tell,” she said after a few minutes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About what?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The crying, the not-dating, any of it. It’s clear how much you loved him. And your secret is safe with me. I got your back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying all over again. He loved this kid. “Thanks ‘Nicey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He settled back to watch the show and let himself feel sad about Adam for the first time in a while. He’d had a good cry on the anniversary but nothing since then. This was good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the pizzas arrived, the whole crew descended on the mess and Justin grinned to watch them all. They were his team and he knew they had his back. He stood from his spot at the table and most of them looked up at him, conversations lulling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like to say something if you’ll all let me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eric grinned wide and gestured for him to continue. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Today is Adam’s birthday.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The assembled crew got more silent somehow. Justin pressed on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would’ve been anyway. I know the last year or so has been hard on us all. I know I’ve been distant and hard to talk to at times. But it’s hard on the whole crew and I appreciate the fuck out of all of you for being there for me even when you were grieving, too. I know it’s hard. Today has been harder on me than even I expected.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A soft murmur erupted in the room and he knew Denice wasn’t the only one who noticed him hiding away today.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I know he would’ve wanted us to keep eating pizza for him and watching his shows in the lounge, and doing what we do best.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few people called out “here, here!” and Justin grinned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I just want to say thank you all, for having my back and letting me have yours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll drink to that!” Shouted Knight and everyone raised their drinks and water bottles into the air in a toast. “To Adam.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“To Adam,” the crew chorused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin sat down again and surreptitiously wiped tears from his eyes as Denice nudged him with her elbow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be a great chief someday, Oluransi,” she said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up and eat your pizza, rookie,” he chirped.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. One Decade Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Justin couldn’t believe this was happening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to name me chief?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Murray nodded. “You’re the backbone of this team. You know how to make the tough decisions. And you’re respected by everyone. Including myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m only thirty-five!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Murray chuckled. “I was made chief at thirty-six. It’s not that young. You’ve been at this station for thirteen years, Justin. You know your stuff. You know your team. You know how to make them better. You know how to make them feel appreciated. You’ve helped countless rookies rise to their full potential, half of them seem to have adopted you as their dad. You’ll be a great chief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if the crew trusts me like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Murray’s eyes softened. “Is this about Adam?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin felt his face heat. “No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Justin, your crew trusts you. You —”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if I fall apart again?” Justin cut in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then your crew will have your back again. I know you can do this. If you aren’t up for it, I understand, but I think you are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin blinked back sudden tears. “You do?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. And I think you do, too. Think about it, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin nodded and Murray pulled him into a hug. “I’m proud of you, Justin.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Chief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pulled Eric from the mess with a strained smile and an urgent gesture. Eric followed him to a quiet nook and pulled him into a hug. “What’s going on, hon?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t tell anyone,” Justin replied, grateful as always that Eric understood that he needed contact right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not not-okay. I’m just kinda freaking out,” Justin admitted. He was proud that after all these years he could admit these things out loud. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t tell anyone unless you or someone else is in danger. My lips are sealed.” Eric mimed zipping his lips shut and Justin chuckled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Murray’s retiring. He wants to name me Chief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Justin that’s amazing!” Eric whisper-shouted. “Congratulations!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin gave him a weak smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, why are you freaking out?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think I can,” Justin whispered. Eric was one of his best friends and he knew he could trust him with this moment, but he was still a little afraid of his reaction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I ask why?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if I fall apart again?” Justin asked for the second time. God, there was a time when he couldn’t even admit that he had fallen apart after Adam’s death and here he was talking about it in broad daylight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eric’s eyes looked suddenly wet and he pulled Justin back into a hug. “Oh, honey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know I’ve come so far and all that, Murray already told me all that, but I just can’t know, can I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You and Adam,” Eric paused. He looked like he was choosing his words very carefully. Once again, Justin wondered what Eric knew of him and Adam’s relationship. But he hadn’t told him for ten years and this wasn’t the time to start. “You were something different. Something special. You were partners and best friends and you had to pull him from the building. It would be enough to break anyone. And if it happens again, if you need us, you know your crew is there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I shouldn’t be chief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Justin, no! That’s not what I meant. We all know you have strength beyond measure for all you went through in your early years, and we have all looked up to you over the years. Especially the rookies. You’ve raised so many of those kids into amazing firefighters and you should be damn proud of yourself. And you’d be an amazing chief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were both crying now, clutching each other in the hall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How can you be sure?” Justin asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I know you. And I’m damn proud of you. Adam would be proud, too,” Eric whispered as he hugged him again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin wept in his best friend’s arms. He missed Adam so damn much. He wished he could share this with him, like every other thing he’d wished he could share with Adam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After they finally untangled and Eric went back to the lounge, Justin made a pit stop on the way back to Murray’s office. In the changing room, he sat in his stall and leaned against the side that he used to share with Adam’s cubby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re offering me chief,” he told the air. “Can’t believe you aren’t here to share this with.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waited a moment, imagining Adam’s response. He’d be elated, of course. He’d assure him he was good for the job, just as Eric had. And he’d wrap him up in a tight hug and maybe even kiss him if Justin was lucky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m trying to be as proud of myself as you’d be of me right now. You know I’m not good at that, though. Wish you were here to help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As always, the air was silent. He hadn’t had his hallucinatory guardian angel in nearly ten years, and while sometimes he missed him, he knew it was for the best that he had moved on. He couldn’t have been what the rookies needed, what Eric needed, or what his community needed if he’d stayed fixated on a ghost like that. But damn he missed Adam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were a few years when he’d tried to move on romantically, but he never could. The one relationship that lasted more than a couple of weeks was with a wonderful woman named March. She’d been tall and sweet and he’d eventually broken down and told her everything. The only person he’d ever told about the true nature of his and Adam’s relationship.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>March had been amazing about it, as kind as ever, but it was quickly becoming clear to Justin that he was still in love with a ghost, no matter how hard he tried, and he just wasn’t ready. They broke up shortly after and she assured him she would always be a friend if he needed one. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So ten years later, he was still talking to Adam in his cubby when he had a rough day or a big decision. And it was a habit he intended to keep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they announced the retirement of Chief Murray and the newly promoted Chief Oluransi, the whole firehouse burst into applause. Denice Ford stood from her chair and whooped with joy, tears in her eyes. Eric was fully crying, even though he already knew. Even Jack Zimmermann looked a little misty-eyed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Someone started a chant for a speech and Justin rose reluctantly. If he was honest with himself, he’d been a leader in the firehouse for years. But to see it formalized like this was something amazing. He gestured for everyone to calm down and they settled into an excited quiet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure what you guys want me to say, besides thank you. These last, oh, thirteen years, have been everything to me. This firehouse is my family and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m so proud to be your new chief, and I hope I do you all proud.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The crew burst into applause again and Justin shyly took his seat again. He would take over the weekly meeting next week, for now, it was still Murray’s show. He closed it out with a few thank yous of his own and released them to their shifts or home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Denise and some of “his rookies”, as Eric called them, surrounded him and offered their own congratulations. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Knew you’d be chief someday, Jay,” Denice declared. “Didn’t I call this? Like my first day on the job?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll give you first year on the job, it was definitely not the first day,” Justin teased, pulling her in for a hug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll take it. Proud of you, Oluransi.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Proud of you, too, Ford.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As everyone grabbed him he let himself float just a little on the high of his crew. They’d been through some scary shit and had come out stronger on the other side. He hoped he could be half the chief Murray had been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Home at his apartment, a different one than he had lived in with Adam after too many late nights crying over finding something of his, he set his keys down and tapped the photo of them he kept in his entryway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Adam,” he greeted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adam grinned up from the photo. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Justin pulled a hoodie on, an old threadbare thing that smelled like home, and curled up in his favorite reading chair. The afternoon sun was just hitting in and he basked in the warm glow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had a lot of little things he did to remember Adam by. The photo by the door of course. The chair in the sun. The talking to him from his cubby. Pizza on Fridays and SNL on Saturdays. Little habits he’d made with Adam that he felt lost without that first year. It was only when Denice had suggested he remember Adam but keeping up those habits had he let them slip back into his life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were comfortable but they hadn’t gotten in the way of his life, either. He was fire chief. He had friends, good relationships with his family, and a cat named Bee. He could still hardly believe it. He was happy with his life. Chief at thirty-five. Mentor to his crew. Friend to so many wonderful people. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes people asked about his romantic life. Wasn’t he a bit old to be unmarried still? He didn’t really seem to date at all. Did he want to be set up? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t about that for Justin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d had his love. Sure, it had been too short for his liking, but that was it for him. Adam was always going to be it for him. He was still happy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he fell asleep in the chair, wrapped in sunlight like his best friend’s embrace, he was secure that he’d made the right choice. He’d be chief and he’d make Adam proud.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. One Lifetime Later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Justin had spent the whole day being handed babies, receiving hugs, meeting partners, and catching up with his old firehouse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that he never saw any of them, he did. But since his retirement a couple of years ago, he was around a lot less and home a lot more. He’d worked until he was seventy-five, chief for forty years, until he finally let them nudge him into retirement. He didn’t have a lot going on these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eric and Jack had grandkids these days and they loved to bring them over to Justin’s house to hear stories and put together puzzles. Denice’s partner had taken to whisking her away on annual trips in their thirties and when Denice retired they moved abroad permanently. Justin missed her but she sent regular updates and they video chatted weekly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d done his own traveling and had filled his home with souvenirs from trips and life. Often, if someone asked if it was a gift, he would say yes. It was for his partner. His home now was full of little gifts for himself and for Adam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been a life well lived and Justin was happy with it but he was tired. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat down in his favorite chair in the afternoon sun and turned his face into the light, his eyes falling closed. Even after all these years, the sun still reminded him of Adam. Or maybe Adam reminded him of the sun. Bright and warm and almost blinding to look at. He was Justin’s one true love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wouldn’t have it any other way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin blinked awake again to a blinding light and brought a hand up to shield his eyes. He wasn’t sure where he was. His last memory was of falling asleep in his chair. Perhaps he was dreaming?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Justin?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was wide awake. “Adam?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He startled, looking around, and found who he was looking for. Glowing softly and sporting his same white wings from years ago, stood Adam. His face was wet with tears and Justin ran to  him as tears sprang from his own eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moved much faster than he was expecting and as he buried his face in Adam’s shoulder, he thought he knew what was happening, his body spry as it had been years ago. He was Adam’s age again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I dreaming?” he asked, though he was almost certain the other option was more likely. He never dreamed this lucidly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m so sorry, Justin, you’re —,” Adam choked off a sob and cupped his hand along Justin’s cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I died didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I get to be here with you now?” Justin asked hopefully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, babe, you can stay as long as you want here. I’ve been staying for over fifty years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I always loved it when you called me babe,” Justin mused, linking his fingers into Adam’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam blushed and Justin leaned up to kiss him without thinking. Adam certainly didn’t seem to mind and it was a long moment before they separated again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn't move on. I told you to move on," Adam said into the space between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t need a romantic partner to have a fulfilled life. I was happy. I loved people and I was loved. Besides, it was always you," Justin answered, running his hand gently over Adam’s arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam hummed and kissed his forehead but then Justin realized he’d missed something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, you told me? Are you telling me those hallucinations were actually you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam nodded sadly. “It broke my heart that you didn’t believe me. But it was enough that I could help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Adam. It was just too much to believe where I was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand.” Adam kissed his cheek. “I’ve seen all you accomplished. I’ve watched it all. I’m so proud of you, babe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin smiled. “Did it for you. I love you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you while you were alive to hear it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard it every time,” Adam assured him. “I love you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They held onto each other a long moment more, Justin relishing being able to hold Adam again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said we could stay here forever, what else would we do?” Justin asked at last.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could go on. Afterlife. We’re just kind of paused right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s it like?” Justin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno. My options were to stay and wait or to continue and not come back. I was never gonna go without you, obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you did,” Justin smiled. “Let’s stay a while longer. We have a lot to catch up on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve got all the time in the world, babe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Justin leaned in for another kiss. He had his love and he was happy. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and that's all, folks. sorry if I made you cry, but also not really sorry? get those tears out. leave me a comment to let me know what you thought, I would very much love to hear it! I'm on Tumblr at willdexpoindexter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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